Caged bird.

Oh dear. This is not a good feeling. Yesterday, out of nowhere I suddenly began to feel trapped. I got this unsettling unshakable feeling of being tied down. When I decided to take the early-out package from my job back in August, I set my mind in motion and decided that when I was finished with this job (January 2 is my exit date), I was packing all my shit in a Uhaul and leaving town. I was ready to start that new life that I had been dying for for so long. Then somewhere along the way I sort of just became complacent. Things got easy, I started forgetting that plan and feeling like maybe life at home would be okay. Maybe I really could be alright with waking up in the same groundhog-day-esque life in the same old city. I really was thinking it would be okay. But now suddenly without warning, the little rumbling below has erupted into the full-scale Mount St Helens of a need to flee. I feel like the things inside of me NEED to be unleashed somewhere else, somewhere new and by pursuing my big giant technicolor dreams. That has always been the plan.

But then where does this leave the relationship? I am so conflicted right now. I am hoping this will pass, but that’s a futile hope. This has always been in me. This was the dream from the start. It seems like a cruel setup where I am forced to choose between the dream that’s been woven into my heart all my life or the future of something beautiful that I may never find again. Could I even choose? Will I have to? Is it a coincidence that it is exactly one month til I am finished? Maybe my brain is just going into overdrive out of uncertainty of the future.

Damn. Please just tell me this unsettled feeling was that spicy food I ate yesterday.